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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28577721">Inefficiencies</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vandrell/pseuds/vandrell'>vandrell</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Naruto</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Crack Treated Seriously, Crack-ish, Gen, Post-Canon, let naruto characters say fuck 2k21, rated t for usage of the word "fuck" because I could not resist, shikamaru is t i r e d, tired of inefficiencies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-25</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 05:01:34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,219</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28577721</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vandrell/pseuds/vandrell</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The one thing that Shikamaru hates, even more than work, is inefficiencies. This is purely because while he <i>must</i> do work, no matter how much he protests, inefficiencies are troublesome. They make work harder than it needs to be.<br/><br/>And currently, the ANBU are inefficient. Shikamaru sets out to fix that.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Akimichi Chouji &amp; Nara Shikamaru &amp; Yamanaka Ino, Nara Shikamaru &amp; Uzumaki Naruko, Nara Shikamaru &amp; cloud watching</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>40</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Secret Snipers Exchange 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Inefficiencies</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/deadCartes/gifts">deadCartes</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For the prompt: “I would like to see somebody absolutely Lose Their Shit, either in an emotionally cathartic way or a comedic way.” I went the comedic route, because I cannot resist crack <del>and this one didn’t even grow feelings on the way!</del></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Shikamaru stares at the pile of scrolls on his desk, eye twitching. “That is <em>it</em>.” </p><p>He pushes back from his desk and stands. He did not sign up to <em>file</em>. He’s the Hokage’s assistant for fuck’s sake. He should not be <em>filing</em> mission reports. Even if said mission reports are ANBU mission reports and thus too sensitive for the usual mission desk shinobi to work on. It’s a mystery, however, how the ANBU were allowed to get this far in their ranking and yet don’t know how to file a mission report. </p><p>Utterly ridiculous. Inefficient. A waste of time. </p><p>Knocking on the door to the Hokage’s office, Shikamaru pushes the door open and opens his mouth to inform Naruto just how much time he is wasting because of these dumb ANBU. His mouth clicks shut, however, when he lays eyes on Naruto. </p><p>He rolls his eyes and closes the door behind him, sending a dirty look at the ANBU standing in their concealed spots around the office. There are reports with their names on his desk. Reports that are half-filled out and illegible. </p><p>The ANBU cringes back, shifting further into the shadows and Shikamaru scoffs to himself - that won’t save them from him. </p><p>Walking up to Naruto’s desk, Shikamaru pokes his friend’s shoulder roughly. “Wake up, Naruto.” </p><p>Naruto gasps and jolts up, drool causing a paper to stick to his face. “Shika!” </p><p>Resisting the urge to sigh heavily, Shikamaru settles for massaging the bridge between his eyes and says, “Naruto. We need to talk.” </p><p>Naruto peels the paper off his face, taking a glance at it before tossing it to the side on the table. “...About what?” </p><p>“About the incompetency of the ANBU.” </p><p>“...Shikamaru we’ve talked about this. There’s no one qualified to fill the position of ANBU commander,” under his breath he adds, “other than you.” </p><p>Shikamaru narrows his eyes, “What was that?” </p><p>“Nothing!” Naruto yelps, folding his hands in front of him and smiling brightly. “But what’s the problem this time?” </p><p>Shikamaru growls, “The <em>filing</em>. I’m the only one qualified to organize their mission reports but they’re <em>terrible</em>. Someone needs to send all these supposed shinobi back to the Academy because their reports are a mess. There’s no way that I’d be able to finish all the other work you’re making me do <em>and</em> their filing.” </p><p>“You mean that you don’t have enough time for cloud watching with the filing added to your workload,” adds Naruto dryly. </p><p>Scowling, Shikamaru says, “It’s <em>inefficient</em>. And a drag.” </p><p>Naruto stares up at Shikamaru for a long moment before sighing, “So what do you want me to do about it?” </p><p>“Since there’s no ANBU commander, I need you to call all ANBU that are currently in Konoha together. I refuse to file anymore improperly filled out mission reports.” </p><p>“...And what do you plan on doing when you call them all together.” </p><p>“Apparently they all need remedial How To Write Mission Reports 101 lessons,” Shikamaru grins wider when Naruto cringes. </p><p>“Errrr. Okay… just don’t traumatize them too badly. Ino will be very annoyed if you do and then they have to be sent to the Yamanaka healers.” </p><p>Shikamaru waves a hand. “Don’t worry about that. Besides, Ino will be grateful if she doesn’t have to hear me complain about the ineptitude of these ANBU anymore.” </p><p>Nodding slowly, reluctantly, Naruto pulls out a new piece of paper and scribbles his orders on them, pressing his seal into the paper. He motions to one of the ANBU and hands the paper over. “They’ll be gathered at ANBU headquarters tonight.” </p><p>Shikamaru rubs his hands together, “<em>Excellent</em>. Thank you, Naruto.” </p><p>He bows and leaves Naruto to his own paperwork, settling into his desk with a sigh. Staring down at the mess that clutters his desk, Shikamaru tilts his head to the side, thinking. Perhaps he’d just make them correct these mission reports tonight. He has absolutely no desire to look at this disaster any longer. It makes him tired. </p><p>Pulling out a storage seal, Shikamaru bites his thumb to unseal it, then shoves all of the mission reports into it before sealing it shut with a trickle of chakra. He nods to himself and shoves the scroll into a pocket. With that, today’s work is done so he straightens his desk and leaves the Hokage tower, steadily ignoring the curious looks that the other shinobi give him. </p><p>(He doesn’t understand how his father managed to work as the Jonin Commander for so long - the amount of work that he has to do makes his head throb. Commanding the Allied Shinobi Forces was easier than this is.) </p><p>Shikamaru heads towards Nara Clan lands - some cloud watching would be a nice interlude in the usual monotony of the day. Yawning, he settles on his favorite hill and rests his head on his arms. His eyes flutter closed and he finds himself sinking into peaceful oblivion. </p><p>“ - maru! Shikamaru! <em>Shika!</em>” </p><p>Shikamaru startles awake and blinks once then startles violently, whipping his head to the side to avoid Ino’s face which is entirely too close to his for his comfort. </p><p>“<em>Finally</em>,” she says, rolling her eyes and leaning back on her heels. </p><p>Groaning, Shikamaru runs a hand through his now-loose, tangled hair and begins to put it up in it’s usual tail. “What do you want, Ino?” </p><p>“Don’t be rude, Shikamaru. After all, if I hadn’t woken you you’d be late for your... <em>seminar</em>.” </p><p>Shikamaru frowns and looks up at the sun, wincing when he realizes that it’s position in the sky signifies that he is almost late for his meeting with the ANBU. “Doesn’t mean that you don’t want anything, though.” </p><p>Ino meets his gaze for a moment before she smirks. “I’m coming with.” </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“I’m. <em>Coming</em>. With. You.” She lifts a slender eyebrow, dangerously. </p><p>Shikamaru winces, “Of course you are. Am I allowed to ask why?” </p><p>She smiles brightly, “I want to see how you decide to torture these poor unsuspecting ANBU. That way I can at least tell the other Yamanaka healers what they need to do when these ANBU inevitably get sent to us.” </p><p>“...How’d you even find out?” </p><p>Ino waves a hand as she stands, gesturing for Shikamaru to get up impatiently. “Sakura told me when she was on her break. She heard from Naruto who apparently couldn’t stop snickering to himself.” </p><p>Shikamaru sighs, “I suppose that everyone knows now.” </p><p>Shrugging, Ino leads the way off Nara Clan lands. “Not everyone. Only the people who are cleared to know. Or the people that Naruto can’t lie to at least.” </p><p>“So everyone.” </p><p>Ino laughs and doesn’t respond. </p><p>“How troublesome.” </p><p>“Wouldn’t be troublesome if you just agreed to train someone to help you, right?” </p><p>“Where would I find the time to do that? Not to mention someone <em>qualified</em>.” </p><p>Ino laughs, “You complain too much, Shika. If you’d just find someone, or let <em>us</em> find you someone, you wouldn’t have this problem.” </p><p>Shikamaru scowls at the back of Ino’s head. “The ANBU would still be filing terrible mission reports.” </p><p>Ino throws her hands up in frustration and stomps towards the ANBU headquarters faster, leaving Shikamaru ambling behind her at a slower pace. </p><p>He slowly trails after her, noting the ANBU that are hiding in the treetops and following him. For all that they are Konoha’s top shinobi, they currently lack the subtlety here that they show on missions. Ino is waiting for him outside the ANBU headquarters, arms crossed and scowl still on her face. </p><p>“After you,” she motions towards the entrance and Shikamaru lets out a small sigh as he enters first. </p><p>He walks into the main gathering place where many masked ANBU are already settled into various perching places, murmuring among themselves. They all fall silent and eerily turn as one to watch him enter. He supposes that at one point in time he would’ve found his place as an ANBU shinobi as most Nara do at some point in their shinobi career - except the Fourth Shinobi War had put a stop in that path rather quickly. </p><p>Ino leans against the wall behind him and brushes her hair to the side. Looking around, Shikamaru clears his throat and says, “Is this everyone?” </p><p>A beat, a slight narrowing of his eyes, and then a few more ANBU shunshin into the room. </p><p>Shikamaru nods and inhales deeply. “I’m sure most of you know why I am here. I fully expect you to share the expectations that I will be outlining with your fellow ANBU who are currently on-mission. If I receive a <em>single </em>mission report that is improperly filled out, there will be retribution. Am I understood?” </p><p>There are slow nods and Shikamaru catches some of the ANBU exchanging what they think to be surreptitious hand signs with each other. Did they think that he wouldn’t know the ANBU hand signals? </p><p>“Excellent,” he pulls out the storage scroll with their mission reports, “Here are all the mission reports that were currently sitting on my desk. None, <em>none</em>, of them were adequately filled out.” He bites his thumb and unseals the scroll, “So now we’re going to talk about what goes into a properly filled out mission report since none of you seem to have attended that class in the Academy.” </p><p>He lets a thread of his chakra loose to manipulate the shadows in the room and stares stonily at the ANBU while he manipulates the shadows to hand out the mission reports to those that they belong to. If he incidentally looks ready to commit murder, <em>well…</em></p><p>(He ignores Ino’s sniggers behind him.)</p><p>“We’ll start with the first section…” </p><p>***</p><p>The next morning, Shikamaru yawns loudly as he settles into his desk chair, scratching the back of his neck idly. He eyes the stack of scrolls that are neatly piled in one corner. Smirking to himself, Shikamaru unseals the first one and runs a critical eye over it. Academy-perfect. </p><p>Leaning back in his chair, Shikamaru pulls the stack closer to him and starts to begin the tedious process of reading through the reports and categorizing them appropriately and writing up a summary report of the actionable intelligence that needs to be shown to Naruto. </p><p>He starts using his shadows to help move scrolls to the appropriate piles and hold scrolls open in front of him while he uses both hands to sign off on reports and write his own report. </p><p>There’s a squeak as an ANBU skids to a halt in front of him and Shikamaru pauses, lifting an eyebrow. </p><p>The ANBU is one of the younger new recruits and is visibly trembling as he hands over his mission report. One of Shikamaru’s shadows reaches out to take the report and the recruit flinches. </p><p>Shikamaru narrows his eyes and says, “Wait,” when it seems like the recruit is going to shunshin away. He unfurls the scroll and looks over it quickly. Perfectly filled out. “Dismissed.” </p><p>The recruit flees. </p><p>He shakes his head to himself and returns to filing all the reports. </p><p>Someone clears their throat as Shikamaru is signing off on the last(!) mission report and he holds up a finger while he finishes. He looks up and smiles when he spots Choji standing in front of his desk. </p><p>“Lunch?” his friend asks and Shikamaru nods, stretching his arms behind his head, back popping. </p><p>Shikamaru stands and shoves the mission reports into a storage scroll that he shoves into a drawer in his desk. He’ll deal with putting them in the ANBU archives later. </p><p>As they walk out of the Hokage tower, Choji says, “I see that your seminar seemed to have worked.” </p><p>Shikamaru shrugs, “We’ll see how long it lasts.” </p><p>Choji hums, “I don’t know. Ino said that you scared the ANBU.” </p><p>Lifting an eyebrow, Shikamaru turns to Choji, “And you believe her? She always over exaggerates. And she just wants to see what’ll happen when they inevitably fuck it up.” </p><p>Choji frowns at Shikamaru as they enter the restaurant. “You should have more faith in them. I’m sure that now that you’ve told them how it needs to be done, it’ll be done like that.” </p><p>“...You’ve gone and jinxed it now. And I find that not expecting anything from other people helps me in the long run.” </p><p>Choji shakes his head, “This is why Ino yells at you for being a pessimist.” </p><p>Scowling, Shikamaru crosses his arms, “Would she rather that I be more like Naruto and expect the best from anyone? I think I’d die.” </p><p>That sounded <em>exhausting.</em></p><p>“I think you’d be just fine if you stopped being so lazy and addicted to cloud watching and naps.” </p><p>“It’s genetic.” </p><p>Choji snorts. “Well, since we’re clearly not going to get anywhere in this decade-old argument and I’m not Ino, what are we eating?” </p><p>“See Choji, this is why I like you better than Ino.” </p><p>“Don’t let her hear you say that.” </p><p>Shikamaru waves a dismissive hand, “She already knows. She knows everything.” </p><p>They settle in to eat, catching up between mouthfuls. </p><p>Letting out a heavy sigh as he stretches, Shikamaru stands from the table. “I suppose I should get back now.” </p><p>Choji chuckles and pats Shikamaru on the back, making him stumble, “You’ll be just fine, Shika.” </p><p>“If you’ve jinxed me, Choji…”</p><p>His friend merely laughs and walks off towards the Jonin station. </p><p>Shikamaru starts walking towards the Hokage tower, hands laced behind his neck. He mentally goes goes down the list of things that he still has to go through today, sighing when he realizes that the list means that he won’t be getting out of the tower until late in the evening. At least all that he has to do with the mission scrolls is file them in the appropriate location in the ANBU archives. </p><p>Walking up to his desk, Shikamaru blinks as he considers a scroll laying on his desk. He hadn’t realized that any ANBU were slated to return from their missions today. It must be ANBU Cat. Cat’s mission is the only one that could have ended in enough time to be back already. </p><p>Shikamaru breaks open the seal on the scroll and is faced with, frankly, a fucking <em>disaster</em>. His eye starts twitching involuntarily and Shikamaru considers letting some inappropriate words in his head out. Cursing won’t do him any good, however. Seems like the rest of the ANBU did not care about their squadmate enough to save him from what Shikamaru was going to do to him.</p><p>He hopes that the ANBU are prepared for what he has in store for them.</p><p>Rolling the report back up, Shikamaru seals it and places it in his pocket. He pulls out the storage seal of completed, <em>perfect</em> mission reports from the drawer and lets out a sigh. Rubbing the bridge of his nose, he walks out of the Hokage tower, scroll in hand, and heads to the ANBU headquarters. His second trip in as many days, and he was so <em>hopeful </em>that this plan would work. But now he has to go deal with <em>this</em> new ineptitude. </p><p>(Choji jinxed him and Shikamaru will be severely displeased with his friend the next time he sees him.) </p><p>The main room of the ANBU headquarters only has a few ANBU milling around in it, though they quickly shunshin away once they spot him. Shikamaru shakes his head at the blatant avoidance and walks further into the building towards the archives. </p><p>The room is dusty, as Shikamaru, and the occasional ANBU Captain, are the only ones who enter the archives. He sneezes, rubbing his nose, and heads towards the back of the archives to where the ledger of mission reports sits. He settles in the desk at the back and unseals the ledger. </p><p>(They need to hire someone with the clearance to manage the ANBU archives. He might be the only one able to currently sign off on the reports but having to file them himself is ridiculous.) </p><p>Unsealing the storage scroll, Shikamaru begins the tedious process of filling out the ledger. </p><p>Thankfully, it only takes him half an hour to complete and he sets to filing the mission reports where they belong in the shelves of the archive. </p><p>That done, Shikamaru heads towards the part of the archive that holds personnel files. </p><p>Sticking a hand in his pocket, Shikamaru flips through the files until he lands on the current Cat’s personnel file. </p><p>“Aha,” he says as he pulls it out. Flipping through it, he notes Cat’s accommodations in the ANBU barracks and ANBU squad before closing it and placing it back on the shelf. </p><p>Dusting himself off, Shikamaru walks out the archive room and steps into the main gathering room. He casts a look around the room, trying to see if he can spot Cat but he only receives blank stares from Turtle and Frog. </p><p>Humming to himself as he leaves ANBU headquarters, Shikamaru heads back towards the Hokage tower, lost in thought. </p><p>***</p><p>“Shikamaru!” </p><p>He snaps out of thought at the sound of Ino’s bark and his head jerks up. “What?” </p><p>Ino lifts a pale eyebrow and Shikamaru frowns up at her. Behind Ino, Choji tilts his head to the side and waves. His frown shifts into a scowl and he hisses, “This is <em>all your fault</em>, Choji.” </p><p>“What are you talking about?” Ino asks, settling into one of the chairs across from Shikamaru. </p><p>“He <em>jinxed</em> me.” </p><p>Choji's voice rumbles in a laugh as he settles in the chair next to Ino. Narrowing his eyes at Choji, Shikamaru folds his arms on his dining table and lets out a breath. “What are you two doing here?” </p><p>“We can’t come visit our teammate? Are you too busy and important for us now?” </p><p>Shikamaru rolls his eyes, “You know that that’s not what I meant, Ino.”</p><p>Choji interrupts before Ino can start their banter again, “Your mother called us.” </p><p>Shikamaru blinks at him. “What?” </p><p>“She said you had your plotting face on and got worried,” Choji shrugs. </p><p>“I tried telling her that you <em>always</em> have your plotting face on but she said that this one was <em>special</em>.” </p><p>“And you <em>do</em> have your plotting face on, Shikamaru,” Choji adds on. </p><p>Shikamaru remains silent. </p><p>“So what’s got you all riled up?” Ino asks. </p><p>Humming, Shikamaru steeples his fingers and says, “I got an incomplete ANBU mission report today.” </p><p>“Ah,” Choji nods, understandingly.</p><p>“And so now you’re plotting against them,” Ino says, lifting a dubious eyebrow. </p><p>“They need to learn,” Shikamaru retorts. </p><p>“...What are you going to do?” Choji asks, hesitantly.</p><p>Shikamaru smirks. </p><p>***</p><p>Cat stares down at his mission order, confused, “Why isit a C-Rank?” </p><p>Turtle shrugs when Cat looks up at him. “Orders are orders.” </p><p>“...If you’re sure.” </p><p>***</p><p>“What happened to my ramen-flavored biscuits? Why are these <em>cilantro-flavored</em>?” Cat asks incredulously. </p><p>Owl lifts an eyebrow, “You must have pissed someone off in Requisitions.”</p><p>“But <em>who</em>?” Cat stares at the biscuits in horror, “Oh man, I’m going to have to eat these all mission, won’t I?”</p><p>“...Good luck.” </p><p>***</p><p>“I’ve heard that Fox is the biggest hard-ass ANBU Captain there is,” Swan whispers lowly to Cat, “He doesn't even take many squads on missions because they all hate working with him.” </p><p>“...Then why are <em>we</em> here?!” Cat hisses. </p><p>Swan shrugs, “Guess whoever is in charge of our missions didn’t have a choice.” </p><p>“Who’s even in <em>charge</em> of our missions?” </p><p>“No idea. I don’t think they’ve appointed an ANBU commander yet.” </p><p>“Silence!” Fox’s deep voice cuts off all the chatter from the six ANBU squad members.</p><p>Cat pales. </p><p>***</p><p>Cat sighs as he picks up some takeout from the Ichiraku’s. His last few missions had gone off with a hitch but they had been <em>disasters</em> otherwise. He will never recover from the scathing dressing down that Fox had given him (over nothing!) or the disgusting taste of those cilantro-flavored biscuits. He doesn’t know <em>who</em> he’s pissed off but he is growing wary of every shadow now. </p><p>Jumping from the street to the rooftops, Cat begins to head towards the ANBU barracks. </p><p>A shadow twists in the corner of his eye and Cat yelps, losing his footing. </p><p>
  <em>A Nara?</em>
</p><p>The shadows swell and clutch at his legs. Cat scrabbles backwards, hand slipping off the rooftop, and he freezes. The shadows retreat. Cat’s heart thumps loudly in his chest as he stumbles to his feet. </p><p>Not. Good. </p><p>***</p><p>“Isn’t that <em>that</em> guy?” </p><p>“...I think you’re right.” </p><p>“We better steer clear, I don’t wanna know what kind of weird thing he’s got going on?”</p><p>“Shinobi are so weird.” </p><p>“I just don’t understand <em>why</em> sheep?”</p><p>“I don’t think I’ve even seen a sheep inside Konoha.” </p><p>“I think that there are some in the farms on one of those Clans’ lands.” </p><p>“...Weird.” </p><p>Cat looks up from the kunai that he is studying and frowns at the back of the two civilians that are giving him a wide berth. </p><p>...Sheep?</p><p>***</p><p>“...What are you so scared of?” </p><p>Cat whips his head to the look Frog. “What do you mean?” </p><p>He can’t see Frog’s face behind the elder ANBU’s mask, but he’s sure that Frog has an eyebrow raised. </p><p>“You’re jumping at shadows,” Frog points out dryly. </p><p>“No I’m not.” </p><p>“Yes you are.” </p><p>“...It’s nothing.” </p><p>“It’s clearly not nothing if you’re jumping at <em>shadows</em>.” </p><p>“...I think I pissed off a Nara.” </p><p>“<em>What?</em>” Frog’s whole body flinches in horror, clearly understanding Cat’s own pain, “You’ve got to fix that.” </p><p>“I’m <em>trying</em>. I just don’t know who I pissed off!” </p><p>Frog steps backwards, “You can’t piss off a Nara. That’s like the first thing you learn at the Academy! You’re screwed.” </p><p>Cat drops his head and groans. “I’m. <em>Trying</em>.” </p><p>Shaking his head, Frog steps back further, “Fix it. Or we’re all fucked.” </p><p>He shunshins away and Cat resists the urge to bang his head against the side of a building. </p><p>Naras are terrifying. Cat doesn’t know who he pissed off but he has <em>so </em>many regrets. </p><p>***</p><p>Cat shifts, tensing, as he faces Duck. They pause, breathing in sync, before launching into action. His brain whirls as he considers what would be the best attack, defense, move. He <em>cannot</em> fuck this up - the annual ANBU ranking battles were critical for moving up the ranks of ANBU. </p><p>A kunai glints in his peripheral vision and Cat smirks behind his mask. Twisting, he reaches for the kunai and then…</p><p>...<em>Yelps</em> when his hand jerks involuntarily and the kunai catches on his sleeve. </p><p>“What the fuck was that?” Duck asks, voice strangled. </p><p>Cat shrugs helplessly and dives back into the spar with Duck. </p><p>(In the back of his mind he knows that that’s the work of a Nara. He is <em>so</em> fucked.)</p><p>***</p><p>“Where’s my pack?” </p><p>Cat looks around at the packs that are laid out at the Main Gate. His squad shake their heads and Cat groans. </p><p>***</p><p>“I’m sorry sir. We simply do not have any standard Konoha Flak jackets at the moment.” </p><p>“What?” Cat’s mouth gapes open. “But I just saw someone leave with one!” </p><p>The shopkeeper shakes his head, “Sorry, sir.” </p><p>“And what about the one that’s hanging behind your head?” </p><p>The shopkeeper merely shakes his head again. “But I do have this spandex uniform if you want?” </p><p>Cat’s eye twitches as he stares at the bright green monstrosity the shopkeeper is pointing at. </p><p>***</p><p><strong> <em> <span class="u">C-Rank</span> </em> </strong> <strong>  </strong></p><p>
  <em>Client: Anonymous </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Find ANBU Cat and release this package on them. Please capture an image of the aftermath. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Reward: 2000 ryo. </em>
</p><p>“<em>Who did you piss off?</em>” Owl hisses and Cat shrugs helplessly, trying to brush the glitter that covers them off, ineffectively. Civilians and shinobi alike give them suspicious looks as they keep a wide distance away from the duo.</p><p>The genin team snickers and scampers away on the rooftops, camera in hand.  </p><p>***</p><p>“...Are those deer staring at you?” </p><p>“What?” Cat turns and shouts when he spots a small herd of deer that are still standing eerily still and staring at him.</p><p>“...You haven’t solved your Nara problem yet, have you?” </p><p>Cat shakes his head and steps backwards, hand fiddling with a kunai uneasily. </p><p>“...I hate going on missions with you.”</p><p>“Me too.”</p><p>***</p><p>Cat jolts awake at the loud banging on the window outside his bed in the ANBU barracks. He groans and turns in his bed, shoving his pillow over his head.</p><p>“Cat. You’ve <em>got</em> to solve this problem.” </p><p>“<em>I knoooow</em>.” </p><p>***</p><p>“You know, Cat. Maybe getting a tattoo isn’t such a good idea right now.” </p><p>“What?” Cat looks at Duck, with a raised eyebrow. </p><p>“You haven’t solved your Nara problem yet right?”</p><p>“...Shit.” </p><p>Duck nods their head solemnly. “Best to steer clear.”</p><p>***</p><p>“...You said you’ve been feeling itchy and having runny noses?” </p><p>Cat nods, looking up at the healer and rubbing at the rash on his arm. </p><p>“...Received a plant lately? Small, potted, and got some really pretty white flowers?” </p><p>Cat blinks. <em>Shit</em>, not the Yamanaka too.</p><p>***</p><p>Duck stalks towards Cat and he yelps, stepping backwards in a hurry. </p><p>“Your bad luck is contagious!” </p><p>“What?”</p><p>“Con. Ta. <em>Gious</em>.” </p><p>Cat winces, “What happened?” </p><p>“I got tripped by a <em>shadow</em>.” Duck backs Cat into a wall, and jabs a finger into his chest, “Fix. This.” </p><p>“<em>I don’t know what I did!</em>”</p><p>“Figure it out.” </p><p>Cat whimpers as Duck whirls around and stomps away. </p><p>“...Wait.” Duck freezes. </p><p>“...What?” </p><p>Duck turns around and hurries back towards him, “Did you ever get paid for that one mission?” </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“That one mission,” Duck says frantically, “The one that you came back early from a couple months ago.” </p><p>Cat pauses, frowning as he tries to think back to the mission Duck is speaking about. “...No?” </p><p>Duck gapes at him. “And you didn’t <em>question</em> it?” </p><p>“Hey! Who am I to argue with when we get paid?” </p><p>“You argue <em>now</em>! Did you submit your mission report?” </p><p>“What? Of course I did!”</p><p>“Then why haven’t you been paid? Oh <em>no</em>.” </p><p>“What?” </p><p>“You didn’t submit a proper mission report, did you?” </p><p>“What do you mean?” </p><p>Duck grabs his collar and shakes him. “You submitted the old version of the mission report, didn’t you?”</p><p>Cat blinks, trying to pry Duck’s hands of him. “Oh shit.” </p><p>“Oh shit is right. You are <em>so</em> fucked Cat.” </p><p>“<em>How am I supposed to fix this?</em>”</p><p>“Grovel.” </p><p>Cat winces, seeing his life flash before his eyes. “I’m going to die, aren’t I?” </p><p>“You better hope that you grovel enough. And fix that report.” </p><p>“I don’t even <em>remember </em>all the details for that mission!”</p><p>“You better remember, and fast.” </p><p>***</p><p>Shikamaru looks up from where he is studying the latest intelligence report from Jiraiya’s information network when someone clears their throat. Cat stands in front of Shikamaru’s desk, a scroll in hand. He lifts a hand and covers his mouth to hide the smirk that is threatening to break through. “Can I help you?” </p><p>Cat stiffens in front of him before swallowing noticeably and saying, “I have a mission report to resubmit, sir.” </p><p>“Do you?” Shikamaru folds his hands in front of him. </p><p>Cat thrusts the mission report forward and Shikamaru accepts it with raised eyebrows. </p><p>“Dismissed.” </p><p>Cat disappears with a flurry of leaves and Shikamaru watches the leaves flutter to the ground with a smile. It had taken the ANBU long enough to figure it out. And it hadn’t even been him to figure it out. Shikamaru shakes his head, it seems as if the ANBU needed some restructuring in their training if this was the caliber of ANBU that are currently in the ranks.</p><p>Shikamaru bites his thumb and unseals the mission report, smirking down at the perfectly filled out report. </p><p>“Got something interesting there?” </p><p>He looks up and lets his lip twitch into a small, proper smile at the sight of Naruto standing in front of him. “I do.” </p><p>“Does this mean that your war against the ANBU is done now?” </p><p>“It wasn’t a <em>war</em> against the <em>ANBU</em>.” </p><p>Naruto snorts, “Sure it wasn’t. You just <em>happened</em> to get other ANBU caught up in whatever revenge you planned.” </p><p>Shikamaru tilts his head and lets his face shift into the polite, blank mask that had been instilled into him by his father at a young age. </p><p>Rolling his eyes, Naruto leans against the wall next to Shikamaru’s desk. “So…” </p><p>Shikamaru frowns, “That’s not good.” </p><p>“Hm.” Naruto pauses and that’s <em>really</em> not good because Naruto usually can <em>not</em> shut up. “Well. The Councilhasdecidedthatyou’llbethenextANBUCommander.”</p><p>“...<em>What.</em>” </p><p>Clearing his throat, Naruto holds up in hands in a placating motion, “They’re the ones who decided! Not me.” </p><p>“You -” </p><p>“Not. My. Fault.” </p><p>“It is. It’s <em>always </em>your fault, Naruto.” </p><p>“Hey! That’s not fair.” Naruto pouts as Shikamaru buries his face in his arms in despair. </p><p>“They’ve already decreed it, haven’t they?” </p><p>“...Yes.” </p><p>“And they couldn’t even call the Council meeting with me there?” </p><p>“Seeing as you were the <em>subject</em> of the meeting and are well known for, uh, not wanting to do any work…” </p><p>“<em>Ugh</em>.” Shikamaru peeks over his arms and narrows his eyes at his friend who seems like he’s a breath away from breaking into laughter. </p><p>Raising a hand to cover his mouth, Naruto grits out, “At least the ANBU are already used to your <em>unique</em> methods of training.” </p><p>Shikamaru winces, “This is going to be a disaster.” </p><p>“It’ll be fun!” Naruto pats Shikamaru’s shoulder, unable to smother the laughs that are escaping him. </p><p>Shikamaru lifts his head fully and stares past Naruto at his ANBU guards. The guards flinch and Shikamaru sighs. And apparently he’s scared off all the ANBU that he’s now supposed to be leading. </p><p>A sinking feeling comes over Shikamaru. “...You’ve already told Ino and Choji, haven’t you.” </p><p>“Errr. Well I’ve already mentioned it to Sakura?” </p><p>“I’m doomed.” </p><p>“I’m sure it’ll be okay.” </p><p>“Ino is going to laugh so hard at me. <em>So hard.</em>” Shikamaru stares up at Naruto with baleful eyes. “If I die, it’s your fault.” </p><p>“You’ll be fine! I’m sure that you will be an amazing ANBU commander.” From behind his hand, Naruto mutters, “As we’ve all been telling you this whole time.” </p><p>Shikamaru scowls but Naruto merely grins blindingly at him. </p><p>***</p><p>Kakashi stares at the letter that sits in front of him. Humming to himself, he sniggers. He sure is glad that he’s no longer part of ANBU. A Nara ANBU Commander is just asking for trouble. And he doesn’t even <em>want </em>to know what kind of crazy things Shikamaru already threatened the ANBU with to get one of his former kouhai to cry about the injustice of it all in a letter. The man is one of the ANBU Captains that Kakashi remembers the other ANBU members being terrified of working with. </p><p>He shudders. Shikamaru sure is one scary kid.</p><p>Just like his mother.</p><p>***</p><p>Elsewhere, Iruka looks up from his book (somewhere where he’s greatly enjoying his retirement, thank you very much) and gapes at the summons in front of him. He’d maintained a good relationship with one of the ANBU Captains even after he’d retired from being the Hokage’s secretary. </p><p>He snickers to himself. </p><p>It seems as if young Shikamaru (though he supposes that Shikamaru isn’t quite so young anymore, is he?) had achieved the impossible and wrangled the ANBU into submission. </p><p>His snickers morph into cackles as he basks in the knowledge that all the ANBU who had caused him so much pain and anger were now suffering. He dearly hopes that Shikamaru causes them ten-fold the pain he received. </p><p>They’re ANBU. They can handle it. </p><p>He’s so proud of his student.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I hope you enjoyed this Bear! I wasn't sure who you might want to see lose their shit but Shikamaru was the first one who came to mind. <del>also congrats your prompt has made me spawn many other Shikamaru wips :''')</del></p><p>(Thank you to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherFleur/pseuds/CherFleur">Cher</a> for beta-ing this for me!)</p><p>/<a href="https://vandrell.tumblr.com/">vandrell</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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